Category: A Dog’s Life

Species discrimination? Media favors the fat cats.

Uh-oh. My mom Cathy usually fast-forwards through the television commercials.

This time she didn’t pull the trigger fast enough and we caught a commercial for (what else) Fancy Feast Cat Food.cat enjoying food

This well-regarded company has come out with a new flavor — Chicken Tuscany.

Tuscany? Gimme a break. Does Fancy Feast really add these subtle flavorings and by the way, who’s doing the taste testing? How do we know cats share human tastes?

And where is the canine equivalent of Fancy Feast? Imagine a commercial with one of those toy breeds, featuring some gourmet dinner served in a designer dish.

Let’s get real. Feature a mixed breed adopted dog like me, eating a delicious bowl of crunchies following a hard day’s nap. A hungry dog doesn’t care about the dish and won’t notice the subtlety of the flavors. We’re not finicky like those cats. I won’t even tell you what I eat in the dog park.

But if push comes to shove, I won’t turn down a delicately flavored dish of Burgndy beef…heavy on the beef, please, with a couple of peanut butter treats for dessert.

Dog and Owner go to the Folk Festival (with mixed feelings)

Yesterday evening my mom Cathy decided we should go to the Folk Festival for my evening walk. We’re just ten minutes away, by foot and paw.

“We should take advantage of Seattle,” Cathy said.

Good! I love festivals:seattle folk festival

  • Lots and lots of people (so I get tons of attention – one total stranger gave me a full-body massage)
  • Lots of food on the ground so I can nibble my way through the park
  • It’s easy to steal food from somebody who’s balancing a paper plate and a drink on the grass
  • Lots of dogs (so I can jump up and say hello).

Mom hates festivals because

  • Lots and lots of people (she gets claustrophobic in crowds)
  • Lots of food on the ground (her arm hurts from pulling me away from a limitless supply of snacks).
  • No place to eat (balancing a dripping plate while sitting on the itchy grass isn’t her idea of a dream meal)
  • Lots of dogs (because most of them don’t want to play and they get nervous when I jump up to greet them)

“Well, let’s check out the music,” Mom said bravely, steering us to one of the stages.

Alas, she concluded, Arlo Guthrie is the only folk singer she wants to hear these days, preferably from a comfy seat in Benaroya Hall.

Cloning dogs? Not for me.

Did you see the latest dog news? Some idiot decided to clone a dog named Missy.

OK, Missy is adorable. Her clones seem to have the same delightful personality. But who needs it?

My nerdy mom, Cathy, said, “Gee, Gracie, I could have cloned Keesha. The perfect dog.” She looks at me sternly. “Keesha never, ever chewed. I could leave her in a room full of socks and woolly hats and nothing would be touched.”

Yeah, right. But she has selective memory syndrome. She forgets that Keesha terrorized the cats and barked every time Cathy came home.

But I wonder: if cloning were available and affordable, would I be here, sleeping peacefully on her couch after yesterday’sdog is sound asleep 2-hour run along the shores of Lake Washington, with a handful of other dogs and my wonderful Aunt Sara? Would I be enjoying nights on Cathy’s bed, gourmet treats and the joys of torturing our feline housemates?

Would Cathy even be writing this blog? Would she have found another Canine Urban Princess – a CUPPIE – whose thoughts were as newsworthy as mine?

And where would I be now…hanging out in a foster home, waiting for someone to adopt an “older” dog?

So who needs clones? Just go find a rescue group and adopt a dog. My foster mom told Cathy all about me…well, almost. My foster mom said, “Gracie likes to sit on her cushion and chew on her chew toys.” True. But she didn’t add that I also enjoy chewing socks, hats and even an occasional book, business card or even a bank statement for dessert.

So I’m glad Cathy had to go find a new dog instead of cloning her old one. Anyway, she says, accepting the inevitable: “Who’s going to treat all their dogs the same? Even if I’d cloned Keesha, I’d probably be a different owner. I always said I’d never let a dog sleep on my couch.”

Yeah, right.

Life is hard when you’re a CUPPIE

Being a CUPPIE -a Canine Urban Princess – can be tough. Whenever my mom Cathy gets frustrated with anything, she takes me out for a walk and she gets frustrated a lot these days. I have to rouse myself from my cushion just because she needs a break.

And then whenever she meets somebody, I have to go along so Cathy can show me off. On Tuesday she decided to meet her friend, my Uncle Lance (he’s big into privacy so she can’t use his real name…gimme a break). My job was to give Uncle Lance a canine experience, since he lives in a no-dog apartment building. (Shouldn’t species discrimination be illegal?) I had to let him hold my leash and deal with all the people who wallked by and said, “Ooh, she’s so cute.”

We ended up walking over a mile. I voted for the bus but Cathy decided we need the exercise. Hah.

And then yesterday, my Aunt Sara took me for my weekly outing to Magnuson Park. I ran and ran. I played with Bailey, Violet and all my other dog friends.

My mom should be exhausted too. When her Wednesday evening class was cancelled at the gym, she booked a session with the trainer so she can work the machines. She got into some new muscle groups, she moaned as she curled up on the couch.

But no. “After today’s teleseminar,” she said to me, “we should enjoy this beautiful sunny weather.”

Uh oh. My royal calendar had marked the afternoon for a Long Hard Nap.

Being a Princess means being on call 24/7. Maybe somewhere there’s a Canine Urban Queen who gets to say, “No thank you.”

Me? I can’t even get into my own crate. Tiger the tabby cat has invaded my territory. She may be over 90 in human years but her strong right paw still packs a mean punch across my nose.

Dog Mom Fights Aging Stereotypes

My mom Cathy never identified as a mom till she got a dog. But when she adopted me, she had to find a way to introduce herself when she called the dog lounge, the groomer and all the other handlers we Canine Urban Princesses (CUPPIES) require.

She tried saying, “I’m Gracie’s owner,” but she felt that didn’t do justice to our relationship. Besides, she has a tendency to call the Day Care and Boarding staff to ask, “How’s Gracie doing?” Even Cathy had to admit she was sounding more like a mom than an owner.

So she gave in and began identifying herself as Gracie’s mom. I knew it.

To be fair, Cathy is one of the least maternal people on the planet, male or female. She never adopts kittens or puppies. She never talks baby talk. She expects me to hold up my share of responsibilities, which are always under negotiation.

Cathy can’t even talk intelligently to anyone under 18. “How’s school” is not a great way to bond with a teen-ager.

So she gets irritated with all those books, articles and TV shows featuring white-haired women who become nurturing grandparent types in their later years. She’s not into volunteer work. She wants to keep earning money till the day she dies and she’ll donate to charities so those who are truly maternal can care for others — properly.

“You never see a 70-something woman pecking a keyboard and muttering about her affiliate programs,” she says. “They’re never reading sales reports or testimonials from satisfied clients. They’re always holding children or doing something for others.”

If you want to see my mom in a major freak-out, tell her about the retired people who go on to become greeters at Wal-Mart. She hates those stories.

“So after a life of growth, a graduate education and tons of experience, I’m supposed to look forward to serving burgers at McDonalds or opening doors for people who live my former life? Hah. I’d rather be rewarded for my work and I’d rather do real work. Where are those role models?”

Well, as the canine in residence, my job is to get her as close to a maternal experience as she’ll have in this lifetime. Alas, due to my extensive fan club, I’m often more of a fashion accessory.

“Like living with Paris Hilton,” Cathy sighs. “She has her adoring fans. I just make sure she’s there to greet them.”

At least I keep her feeling young, as she chases me around the dog park and makes sure I get all my walks. As her friend Bill reminds her via phone, “If you didn’t have a dog, you’d be just another stereotype: a single woman with a couple of cats.”

Bill knows how to push her buttons. Cathy pushes hers on the cell phone, initiating a major disconnect.

I think it’s time for another mega-nap. As a midlife dog — I’ll be 6 in October — I embrace the stereotypes. Let sleeping dogs lie. And around this house, I’m usually happy to be seen as a sleeping dog.

Happy Mother’s Day

Yesterday my mom Cathy dropped me off in the Dog Lounge while she ran a couple of errands. Yaay! I played happily for a few hours, graciously accepting adoration from the staff. They know a CUPPIE when they see one (Canine Urban Princess, if you haven’t read the earlier posts).

The weather was cold and Cathy didn’t feel like hanging around the dog park. “At this rate we’ll be wearing our parkas to the Fourth of July celebration,” she muttered.

She exaggerates. She was running around in a sweatshirt and shorts…a far cry from her parka and woolly hats, which I have pretty much destroyed anyway.

As we’re returning home, the nice female bus driver says, “What a nice dog. She’s your baby, isn’t she? You’re her mom.”

What a perceptive bus driver!

Cathy: “Well, I won’t be getting a Mother’s Day gift from her.”

Bus driver: “What do you mean? She’ll give you love and kisses!

Cathy: “More likely I’ll get presented with a chewed-up sock.”

Driver (laughing): “Yeah, that too.”

Hmm. Too bad I can’t go home with that nice bus driver.

Oh well. This morning I’m sleeping angelically on the couch, tummy filled with gourmet crunchies. Life is good.

Cathy should be grateful. Her aging tabby cat defines a hairball as the perfect gift, Mother’s Day or otherwise.

Dog Owner fights the cordless phone battle

Since she discovered the joy of laptops, my mom Cathy likes to sit on her couch and work. She still works mostly from her cool home office, tucked away into an alcove.

When she works in her office, I have to sit on a cushion on the floor. But when she works on her couch, I curl up on the other end. That way I can keep Cathy out of trouble and make sure she stays more or less focused on her business. All part of my underpaid, underrated job.

Since Cathy works on the phone, she likes having a cordless phone so she can sit on her couch and talk. And she can jump up and pull socks away from me, while holding a conversation with someone halfway around the world.

So when her 8-year-old cordless phone started dying, and she couldn’t push the buttons to dial numbers, she said, “I will go purchase a cordless phone. No big deal.”

Wrong.

I heard her talking to someone from her cell phone. “Why can’t I get a cordless phone that works? I’ve been through two phones already. I can’t hear the person on the other end, although I can hear operators. Ridiculous! What happened to the days when you could just walk into a store and point to a box and say, ‘I’ll take that one.'”

After she hung up, she used a few words that are not suited to my innocent canine ears. Then she vowed to use her old cordless phone, which works beautifully. “I just can’t dial out but people usually call me anyway,” she explained. “At least I can hear them.”

Cathy called half a dozen people on her cell phone to see if anyone could help. They said, “Who uses a land line anymore? Just a cell phone, thank you very much.” Or they said, “I hate my cordless phone too.”

Frankly, I don’t care. Dogs don’t talk on phones. And I’m sleeping on a ten-year-old dog bed, so I’m hardly in a …um…position to advocate for change.

I just hope Cathy doesn’t go over her cell phone minutes because then she’ll mutter about wasting money. And she’ll think twice before buying me another toy, let alone a bag of those delicious treats from Downtown Dog Lounge.

Forget Wife Swap…Let’s do Dog Swap

My mom Cathy likes to watch Wife Swap on ABC. Actually she doesn’t watch…she multi-tasks when she has to something boring. Every show has a Super-Neat Wife and a Super-Sloppy Wife. Cathy loves seeing someone who’s a worse housekeeper than she is.

Here’s how it works. The wives swap homes. (They do get their own room in the new house: totally G-rated.) For the first week, each wife follows the home’s original rules. Then in Week 2, they try to get their new families to follow their rules. Chaos ensues. And at least one family emerges changed by the experience.

So…how about a new show: Dog Swap. I’ll swap homes with an upscale dog somewhere in a mansion on Lake Washington. Maybe for a week I could be Bill Gates’s dog. But of course I could end up with some workaholic who would be gone all day. Or a neat freak who would make me stay in a crate or even outside. Yuk.

For the first week, I’d go along with the program. I’d sleep in the crate. I’d eat the generic food. I’d give the resident cats a wide berth. And I’d chew everything in sight.

But then we’d come to my rules. I’d sleep on the bed. I’d ask for top quality food with extra treats and chewies. I’d teach thedog on sofa cats how to play some new games. And I’d offer them the deal I have with my mom: no chewing if I can sleep on the sofa.

Hey, what’s the big deal? This is how dogs operate naturally. First we go along with their rules. We wait for just the right moment. Then we announce the new rules.

We train our owners. We change their lives forever. We show them a whole new way to live.

And we don’t get a show. Has anybody talked to ABC yet? All I need is an agent. I’m a natural.

“Your owner wears running shoes”

“Your momma wears combat boots!” an ill-mannered dog barked at us one day.

I turned up my pointy little nose. “Wrong. My owner wears running shoes. Asics, to be precise.”

And she’s totally obnoxious when it comes to exercise. Sometime in her twenties, she was visiting a friend who said, “Come to the gym with me. I’ll lend you an outfit.” It was so long ago, she says, they were wearing leotards. Black leotards. Remember? Yuk. I’m trying hard not to get a mental image.

So after that my mom was hooked. She did Jazzercise and then the Nickolaus method and then aerobics till her tendons started screaming. She’s always been a walker (she’s never really liked driving) and about 15 years ago she took up weight lifting.

Cathy is totally vain about her exercise and she embarrasses me when she brags about how fit she is. When she was young she was a total wuss, she says. She used to like wearing dresses and she couldn’t do sports. She would duck when someone threw a ball in her direction. (She probably still does.)

Cathy especially drives me nuts when she interrupts my nap to tell me about articles she finds, like this one about how exercise helps every part of your health.

I’m already in perfect shape. I run with Aunt Sara at least once a week and Cathy’s always dragging me off to the dog park. But I can see Cathy’s wheels turning. She wants to get thinner and that means we’re gonna be walking…and walking. I feel sleepy already, just thinking about it.

Every time we walk, people stop us to say, “What a cute dog!” or “Can I pat your dog?” “She looks so friendly…”

And then Cathy has to go and say something about my “issues” or “She’ll go home with you if you’re not careful. She tried to go home with the UPS driver…”

Yeah, right. Come on, Mom. Let’s walk a little faster in those running shoes.